What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:36
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was in good health!
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Was to survive, this bastard.
What was your most memorable experience catching a fraudulent car seller?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I will be 64.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Who then, do I blame.?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So whats the point in blame.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She married twice! .
I think the readers, may guess!
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And i lived it daily.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I said to her
When you visit a store, do you go to shop or buy?
One cannot live in the past .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why do men first look at a woman's chest instead of their face?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Put me off passion for life!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But, we were locked up after school.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I have no regrets .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Comes on , in middle age.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Would this be the day?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So, i spoilt her more .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im still living with it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it wasn’t much.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It was going to be , some day.
We were not on the streets..
She loved him until the end.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
All the time i was locked up.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I write beautiful poetry .
She found it foreign!.
What did i know ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He resisted the act ,that day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I waited trembling.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Especially a lifetime of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ive learnt so much.
I was 9 years of age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He knew the spot.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When she asked me how she looked .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was very sick at this time too.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My life is so biszare .
She wouldn,t have been !
I was scared of men, in general
I was seconnd youngest,
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My family never makes their pension either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is soul school!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)